News - As reported in Zagat’s

Zagat’s success in recent years has prompted the annual survey of eating establishments to branch off into more specific niches. Creative Loafing, which is the first to report most everything, has received an early excerpt of one new guide, Zagat’s: One Family’s Take on Suburban Atlanta Restaurants.

Grilling at home: “Quite an experience” at this “mainstay” of the dining circuit. “Children run in all directions, screaming and crying for cartoons” while their mother asks them to sit down and “just eat three more bites.” You may want to skip the “burnt-to-a-crisp hot dogs,” but the hamburgers are “good, with a nice onion-soup mix adding taste.” “Bring your own flyswatter” if insects from the backyard bother you. When the chef sits at your table, “he smells like charcoal and lighter fluid.”

McDonald’s: “Kitschy decor” and “good lighting” make McDonald’s a “predictable pick” on Saturdays. Food-wise, it’s also “reliable.” But if you’re looking for the famous McRib, “come back during the holidays, when, for some reason, they promote those things.” But “you won’t be settling if you get No. 6,” the Quarterpounder with cheese, fries with a large drink. When your daughter gets shoved by “redneck” tike on jungle gym, “fight the temptation to smack the rotten kid and his parents across their heads.” The fare gets “inventive” when your son mixes “ketchup in your wife’s hair.” “Don’t forget the drive-thru” as an option. But you’ll be “hosing down the backseat” “when the kids are finished.”

Chuck E. Cheese’s: “Good luck” finding your kids the moment they enter this restaurant, which “mixes a pizza place with a zoo.” Your son “might be lost on the extensive human Habitrail,” and your daughter “might be buried beneath the colorful plastic balls in the play cage.” Either way, try to find them “in time for Chuck’s theater show.” But “don’t sit too close to the stage,” because your little ones will “get frightened and cry” when they’re approached by the “overbearing, low-rent Mickey Mouse.” Note to dads: After pizza, a “fun escape” is the game room. Play old-school video games “until you’re blue in the face,” or “until your wife makes it exceedingly clear it’s time to leave.”

Joe’s Crab Shack: “Order that third beer” as you wait for your table, because when it’s finally called, “your kids will throw temper tantrums” as you remove them from the “fun and sandy” playground outside. Fair warning: “Sand in their britches equals sand in your crab legs and Corona.” Despite the “crazy decor” and “great disco music,” your son won’t stop “throwing utensils and crackers at nearby diners.” A “friendly young wait staff” dances to the music “at random times.” So when it’s time to pay the bill, “your waitress might be doing the Macarena.”

Macaroni Grille: Parents often try to combine a “nice night out” and “children” at this Italian chain. While you’re waiting for your table, catch a “powerful buzz” on the house Chianti and show your kids how to “clap and laugh” when the new waiter drops “an entire tray of hot pasta dishes.” Added bonus: “Take your son out back” to show him “what happens to that waiter when the chefs get a hold of him.” Once you get a table, many wives advise “drunk” husbands to “try not to sing along” when the talented waitress croons an operatic Italian “Happy Birthday” to a nearby table. “Handy” crayons allow kids to “scribble away on the paper tablecloth,” distracting them from “causing mayhem for sometimes up to 10 minutes.”

Cold Stone Creamery: “When the kids have been good,” treat them to this “original” ice cream shop. Order from “dozens of varieties of tasty ice cream and toppings,” then watch the server “mash your order together” and place “the heaping mass” on “an undersized cone.” If you place a dollar in the tip jar, the entire “high-school-aged staff” will “sing a silly song to you,” which might make you feel “a little bit ridiculous.” Don’t forget “loads” of napkins: Your kids will wipe most of the ice cream “on their faces and clothes.” Then they will “drop their cones on the hot cement” and “cry all the way home.”

Sotto Sotto: “Just the ticket” for the suburban wife when she says, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t get me out of the house and away from our sweet but challenging children.” “Lots of different quality wines” make it easy to “get her drunk” and simultaneously “drop a C-note.” Your wife will find the waitress to be “sort of clueless,” with “no idea how lucky she is to be free of real responsibility.” Being alone for the first time in weeks might tempt husbands to “act like they’re twentysomething again.” But “don’t order shots,” and “don’t say anything Hallmarky to your wife.” “She doesn’t really want to talk to you anyway.”

Jamie Allen lives in suburbia with his family.